My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
