if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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