i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
