Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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