I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
