it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Randomize
