im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
