Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
