Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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