remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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