guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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