Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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