you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
