omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
