just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
