Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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