i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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