Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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