dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
