took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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