I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Green mimosas i think yes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
