cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
