it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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