I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
