the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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