My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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