im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
