i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
