my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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