A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
