just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
