Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
