Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Randomize
