i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Couch. On fire.
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