the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
