dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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