doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
