Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
