his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
A+ Viking dick
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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