I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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