How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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