We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
