i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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