If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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