If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
