her vagina looked like bernie madoff
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
