she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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