god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
