he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
