Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
